Re finding myself

The past couple of weeks have been tough and putting it all on here requires a tremendous amount of effort on my part. I am not going to bother you with the details of my heartbreak or the how, why and by who, but I am here to narrate how I decided to react.

Getting over a heartbreak is never easy, but throughout the years I have learnt how to move on faster; it is not something I do consciously, my mind just seems to remove immediate memories in order to let me heal as fast as possible. That does not mean that the memories will not resurface from time to time, but at least the immediate response helped me breathe more easily.

When you go back to being alone the focus and attention you were giving the other person has to go somewhere else; I decided to push it towards myself. I noticed that I had somehow lost my glamorous and unique self which I always had going on and only found it when I went out on dates. I lost my smile and sense of humour due to all of the pain and suffering. I needed to find all of that and get it back.

Focusing back on myself meant following a couple of steps:

  • Drink more water: this is necessary for glowing skin and overall great health. This is the number one step in any good routine;
  • Focus on skincare: having a good base to lay makeup on is always a key factor;
  • Read more: this is a good life tip in general. You can never read too much and you can never be too educated, reading everyday, wether for recreational or educational reasons, should be a priority;
  • Go out: the worst thing that you can do is isolate yourself from the outside world and wallow is self pity. Going out forces you to wear makeup (if you want to), get pretty and be sociable, at least in my case, so it is the best thing you can do;
  • Be open: do not close your heart to other people just because of a bad experience, or because of a thousand ones. No matter what, the bravest thing to do is start clean and open, with no prejudice, but with the knowledge of the past.

I suppose this is all. I am obviously still working on all of this, but the important thing is starting. I hope you enjoyed this post and thank you for reading.

xx

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My high school experience is Done!

I cannot believe this is real. I finally finished high school, after 5 intense and gruelling years (yes, high school lasts 5 years in Italy). The feeling has just started settling in even though when I am writing this 2 weeks have passed since I took my last exam.

I am content with the way my finals went. Could have they gone better? Of course, it can always go better, but I was well aware of what I have done during these 5 years and what my limits were (aka the math part was not really my forte).

I must say that I was not stressed in the least during my exam weeks. Yes, it was overwhelming but what was done was done and no late night study sessions could mend the spaces left behind. I was calm and collected, despite experiencing a very harsh UTI when I took my first exam. I know, it might be too much information, but it is what it is.

Now that all is said and done, I think I should reflect on what these last 5 years have meant and what they have done for me.

When I started high school I was a completely different person, and I really mean it. I was extremely shy, awkward and would not socialise whatsoever. Thankfully, I then became friends with a classmate of mine who was and is my complete opposite. She helped me become more open to opportunities and talk more. From then on, despite some people not believing in me, be it because I am female, be it because I am Romanian, I thrived. I often came out on top, regardless of whether I studied or not and that made people angry. The fact that I was respectful to everyone made people angry. And now, despite everyone’s doubts and comments, I am a happy woman, who feels fulfilled and who is extremely, extremely excited to move forward in life, and that means going to university.

I cannot wait (I mean, I can a bit) to start this new chapter in my life and take you guys with me. Thank you so much for reading.

xx

Book Review – milk and honey

This is the first poetry book I review and I must say I am proud of myself. I am proud of myself because I have evolved from the scholastic mentality of hating poetry because we were force-fed it for so many years.

We can say I started with a bang. “milk and honey” is one of the most famous contemporary poetry works and it sold over one million copies in order to make it to the top of the New York Times’ bestseller list. The author is a woman called Rupi Kaur who, in her works, decided to analyse hurt, depression, love, healing, femininity, and abuse.

This book is divided in four parts: the hurting, the loving, the breaking, the healing. All these parts are mended together by the awareness of the author of what she deserves, and that is the best. It explores all parts of being a woman, a person of colour, a heartbroken human, someone who wants to heal. She shares her past experiences of lost love and abuse and she lets us know that hurting in normal and that healing will come. Putting one’s soul on paper in the way that she did is admirable and reading these pages felt like getting to know somebody. Somebody who comes from a different cultural background than I, yet somebody who’s heart felt the same hurt I felt.

Talking about formalities, this is not the same poetry we were taught in school. There are not many rhymes and rather than musicality we find obvious meaning which hits you in the face.

If I were to give this book, or should I rather say soul, a score based only on the themes explored, I would give it a 10/10.

Unfortunately, personal taste comes into play, and I am still in love with Dante’s poetry, where you are embraced by rhymes and music.

Score: 8/10

Thank you for reading.

xx

Failure

This is probably one of the most annoying words in any language. Annoying, depressing, tear-worthy. I have encountered it few times in my life and I wish I had not.

Admitting I have failed at something makes my stomach turn and my brain get angry. Simply because failing is my fault and no one else’s. I cannot put the blame on my teachers for getting a bad or mediocre grade. I cannot put the blame on supermarkets for me gaining weight.

Saying “I have failed” is tiring and infuriating, so much that whenever it happens, I get cranky the whole day, until I have interiorised my failure and I am ready to move on. Admitting my failures is a process that has to happen in order for me to have mental clarity and sanity.

If I were to find the root of the problem, I would go as back as primary school. I was not used to failing. I always had top grades and was considered a nerd. That went on during middle school, getting admitted to high school with the highest grade possible. High school, on the other hand, was a low blow. Teachers expect more than average and they are not willing to give you more than you worked for; sometimes they do not even give you that. Of course, my behaviour changed too: I started working harder and smarter. I understood what they wanted and tackled the skills I lacked.

Unfortunately, no matter how hard I worked, I sometimes failed. Usually, that happened in math (surprise…not). It has never been my strongest subject and it still is not. I have admitted that, despite my pride, and I moved forward, doing what I can.

Failing, or getting a mediocre grade, at math is not acceptable, but it is not catastrophic either. What hurts more is getting a mediocre grade in a subject I usually am one of the best at. Not getting the maximum in Italian or History or Philosophy stings for two reasons: firstly, because it hurts my pride, secondly because people have high expectations of me. This last part is something I am still struggling with.

Hearing my teacher say “I expected more from you” hurts more than them saying “You sucked at this”. In the last case, something must have definitely gone bad, where I could not have done anything to mend it. In the first case, it is all my fault, because I have set a certain standard that people, and also myself, are accustomed to and now expect.

Failure and expectations go hand in hand, especially because when I fail, there are always people who cheer. When you almost always are the best, people start rooting for you to fall. Had you been less stellar, your fall would not have made so much noise.

I guess failure itself is not so bad; everyone encounters it in their lives and it is normal and part of being human. What matters is how we deal with it and what we take from it. I believe in the “You win or you learn” motto. That is what life is all about: progressing and learning, which most often than not, are quite the same thing.

Thank you for reading.

xx

 

Focus

I have thought long and hard about making this post, since it is mostly an impulsive one, based on recent events in my personal life.

The word “focus” seems very hard to materialise in our lives, especially nowadays, since everybody seems to lose said “focus” of what they truly want in life. What I mean by that word is complete and utter determination to achieve a certain goal. It is up there with other words like “ambition” and “drive”. It is something that you create and you work with. I do tend to judge people by how these three entities manifest in their lives and I admire people who have the same goal-driven mind like me.

The problem arises when this focus has to be shared by various aspects of one’s life. For example, I am the kind of person completely focused on school and on a future career, so when something else comes into my life, like a possible love interest, my focus unfortunately shifts. I say “unfortunately” because I have noticed, every single time that has happened, that when my focus has to be shared by more than one aspect of my life, the initial goal loses importance. I lose focus of school and my grades go slightly down. I lose focus of keeping myself happy and I start focusing on keeping the other person pleased, which is not how things should be.

I would love to be the kind of woman who can manage all aspects of her life impeccably, but I am not, at least not right now, not at this age. The ability lo balance various aspects of life comes with age and experience, which means that for now, I will have to settle and keep my focus on one single goal.

I have seen the same thing happen to friends of mine, in slightly more drastic ways, such as being almost left behind in school. On a good note, that has not happened to me and it never will, since I will make sure it will not.

The whole purpose of this post, besides trying to bring comfort to other people who might feel the same as me, is to also keep me accountable, to make sure that I do not make the same mistakes and that I do not lose sight, that I do not lose focus of what I truly want in life.

If you ask me, I must quote Beyoncé : “Make sure you have your own life before becoming someone’s wife”. Yes, this might take it to the extreme, but if, for a relationship, you have to let go of your goals, then let me tell you it is not worth it, since your career is the only certainty in this hungry and fast world. Your work, your grind, your hustle, whatever you want to call it, should be the main focus, and once you have that checked, then you can share your focus with whatever else may please you. But for now, I need to get back in my lane, the fast one.

Thank you for reading.

xx

 

Motivation

So this is a very touchy topic. Wether we are talking about work, fitness or social life, we all need some motivation every once in a while. And that motivation rarely comes from outside sources.

I have struggled and I still struggle with being motivated. For example, I know that I could do so so much better in school if I just were more motivated to work hard. But somehow, I give myself reasons to not be motivated and then I get frustrated with myself. It all turns into a vicious circle. The key out of that circle is finding something, an idea, a goal, to cling onto; every time you think of that goal you should get motivated. For me, it’s getting a job that will pay well enough to allow my parents to stop working and live peacefully and debt-free. That is obviously a long term goal, but every great action is built by small habits.

As far as fitness and healthy-living goes, I get very motivated when I watch youtube videos of Crossfit, for example, because that’s what I aspire to do. I also get an adrenaline rush and I crave to go to the gym as soon as I see the Fitness section on Pinterest. I believe that that social network is extremely helpful when it comes to motivating and lifting people up. That, and fashion and beauty, are the only sections I am really interested in on Pinterest, sine I am not much of a DIY kind of person. If you want to follow me, this is the link.

So, as far as tips go, here are my 3 tips :

  • find a goal, wether it is short or long term, it does not matter, just find something to strive towards; it can be next week’s test, a possible promotion or another two pounds off
  • be that person who everyone classifies as a hard worker, someone who is obsessed. This is tightly linked to the tip above : you first set a goal and then you become obsessed with it, just like the MMA fighter, Conor McGregor (follow him, he’s amazing and confident). These two below might just be my favourite quotes of all time.

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“There’s no talent here, this is hard work. This is an obsession. Talent does not exist, we are all equal as human beings. You could be anyone if you put in the time. You will reach the top, and that [is] that. I am not talented, I am obsessed.”

  • find inspiration, wether it comes from the inside, from people you know or from websites, you should find role models and people who are above you on the ladder of success and you should not look at them with envy, but with admiration and ambition to surpass them.
    That is all I could come up with : very simple and straight to the point.

Stay obsessed.

xx