Birthday Reflections – February 5th, 2018

Another year went by and I do not know where it went, yet I find myself, on this very day, utterly myself and utterly changed. I am 20 years old as of 4:50 am today and I have to say, I have never felt more Woman in my life.

I was talking to a very close friend of mine yesterday and she asked me if I think I have changed and how. The answers came flowing easily. I have less patience, in general. I cannot be bothered with feeble people and weak opinions, I want certainty and I want things my way. My demeanor has changed: starting university I decided to let people gravitate towards me, not the other way around, not caring if I had to be alone in order to be the person I always wanted to be. I immersed myself in my studies and the results are proof of that. My taste in partners has evolved: no more time for half-men and fuckboys, no more time for grey answers, it is either black or white. I have learned to live more in the moment and think before I speak. I have learned to not complain and be 100% positive, even when the circumstances are not ideal. I have learned to turn anxiety into energy and fuel.

I have grown so much as a person and as a woman and I am grateful for living the life I am living, for being able to study in an established institution, for having my small circle of friends who love and support me. There is nothing else I could think of that I need. I have it all.

My mother barged into my room yesterday, looked at me and said “Do you realise I am your mother? That I have been your mother for the past 20 years?”. And now I realise that and there is nothing I could be more thankful for. My mother is a great woman, who is good and kind and hard working, always with a smile on her face about to explode into laughter, while keeping me grounded and raising me into a self-aware and confident woman. She is my rock.

My 20th year will be my best one yet, I am certain. I hope you will stick around.

Thank you for reading.

xx

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Reflecting

I always get in my feelings as soon as the festive season starts, from Christmas Eve until the New Year. This year though, it has been tougher to see the silver lining. Let me explain.

The festivities are always a bit lonely for me. Yes, on Christmas Eve I was with my parents and it was nice and I appreciated it, since some people do not even get to have that. But we are a small family: it is just the three of us here. The rest are scattered across the globe. I am also an only child, so that doesn’t help.

Christmas Day itself was lonely. The more I scrolled through Insta and watched InstaStories, the more I saw friends with their extensive families, enjoying their company, eating, and playing. I was alone, with my phone, my dog, a cup of tea, Anastasia (the animated film), and Love Actually. For the first time in a looooong couple of months I felt truly alone. But I noticed, both on tumblr and Twitter, that people made posts of solidarity for people who, like me, were lonely or alone these Holidays. It was indeed nice seeing how good people can be.

I am sure I was not the only one who felt like this and I want to say, and reassure you, that everything is temporary. This time will pass, just like everything else, and everything will go back to normal or, for a change, will become even better. All I can say is that you should try and stay busy, be it by watching films, going out for walks, or studying/working.

So keep sipping your tea, watching your rom-coms and scrolling through Insta. You’ve got this, patient wolf.

Thank you for reading and have a merry ending of 2017.

xx

Re finding myself

The past couple of weeks have been tough and putting it all on here requires a tremendous amount of effort on my part. I am not going to bother you with the details of my heartbreak or the how, why and by who, but I am here to narrate how I decided to react.

Getting over a heartbreak is never easy, but throughout the years I have learnt how to move on faster; it is not something I do consciously, my mind just seems to remove immediate memories in order to let me heal as fast as possible. That does not mean that the memories will not resurface from time to time, but at least the immediate response helped me breathe more easily.

When you go back to being alone the focus and attention you were giving the other person has to go somewhere else; I decided to push it towards myself. I noticed that I had somehow lost my glamorous and unique self which I always had going on and only found it when I went out on dates. I lost my smile and sense of humour due to all of the pain and suffering. I needed to find all of that and get it back.

Focusing back on myself meant following a couple of steps:

  • Drink more water: this is necessary for glowing skin and overall great health. This is the number one step in any good routine;
  • Focus on skincare: having a good base to lay makeup on is always a key factor;
  • Read more: this is a good life tip in general. You can never read too much and you can never be too educated, reading everyday, wether for recreational or educational reasons, should be a priority;
  • Go out: the worst thing that you can do is isolate yourself from the outside world and wallow is self pity. Going out forces you to wear makeup (if you want to), get pretty and be sociable, at least in my case, so it is the best thing you can do;
  • Be open: do not close your heart to other people just because of a bad experience, or because of a thousand ones. No matter what, the bravest thing to do is start clean and open, with no prejudice, but with the knowledge of the past.

I suppose this is all. I am obviously still working on all of this, but the important thing is starting. I hope you enjoyed this post and thank you for reading.

xx

My high school experience is Done!

I cannot believe this is real. I finally finished high school, after 5 intense and gruelling years (yes, high school lasts 5 years in Italy). The feeling has just started settling in even though when I am writing this 2 weeks have passed since I took my last exam.

I am content with the way my finals went. Could have they gone better? Of course, it can always go better, but I was well aware of what I have done during these 5 years and what my limits were (aka the math part was not really my forte).

I must say that I was not stressed in the least during my exam weeks. Yes, it was overwhelming but what was done was done and no late night study sessions could mend the spaces left behind. I was calm and collected, despite experiencing a very harsh UTI when I took my first exam. I know, it might be too much information, but it is what it is.

Now that all is said and done, I think I should reflect on what these last 5 years have meant and what they have done for me.

When I started high school I was a completely different person, and I really mean it. I was extremely shy, awkward and would not socialise whatsoever. Thankfully, I then became friends with a classmate of mine who was and is my complete opposite. She helped me become more open to opportunities and talk more. From then on, despite some people not believing in me, be it because I am female, be it because I am Romanian, I thrived. I often came out on top, regardless of whether I studied or not and that made people angry. The fact that I was respectful to everyone made people angry. And now, despite everyone’s doubts and comments, I am a happy woman, who feels fulfilled and who is extremely, extremely excited to move forward in life, and that means going to university.

I cannot wait (I mean, I can a bit) to start this new chapter in my life and take you guys with me. Thank you so much for reading.

xx